


the 5 stages of grief

by IronSwordStarShield (SweetFanfics)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 19:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18644329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/IronSwordStarShield
Summary: Steve's not alone when he goes back to return the stones.





	the 5 stages of grief

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post: Post-endgame AU where Steve goes on a journey to return the Infinity stones and cycles through the 5 stages of grief but is accompanied by the ghost of Tony Stark along the way.

_It’s not possible, he’s not real, he’s not here, he’s gone_ , Steve reminds himself as he tightens his grip on the briefcase. He forces himself to pay attention to what Bruce is saying and ignoring the knowing look Bucky is shooting his way. 

 

As though he can hear Steve’s thoughts, standing right on the inside of the new time travel machine, Tony’s ghost laughs softly at him,  _Whatever helps you get through this Steve_.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Never put two and two together that someone was here helping us fight when the Chitauri attacked_ , Tony muses aloud as Steve unlocks the silver briefcase to take the Time stone out.

 

“Is that your roundabout way of thanking me?” The Ancient One asks.

 

Steve looks up in confusion because he hadn’t said anything. He feels a chill run down his spine when he realizes the Ancient One is looking right at Tony, who is grinning back.

 

 _I suppose I am_. Tony admits cheerfully.

 

“You can… _see_ him?” Steve chokes out, hating the way his heart tries to beat its way out of his chest.

 

The Ancient One shoots him an amused look, like Steve’s the butt of some joke he doesn’t understand. “Can’t you?”

 

* * *

 

“ _Why_ are you even here?” Steve asks, eyes firmly locked on the elevator rolling up the Avengers tower. 

 

Next to him, Tony’s ghost shrugs.  _I dunno._

“You’re not even gonna question it?”

 

 _Magic makes my head hurt. I’ve learned not to question it_.

 

They don’t say anything after that. Tony trails after him after they alight on the right floor. Tony's feet aren’t visible. Other than the vague see through quality of him, it’s the biggest sign that Tony isn’t really here. It sends cold chills up Steve's spine every time he notices it.

 

Tony snorts when other Steve stare down at his younger counterpart’s ass and comments, “That  _is_ America’s ass.”

 

You’re  _an ass,_ Tony jokes. And for some reason? For some weird reason? Anger whips through Steve like a hot desert breeze.

 

“Takes one to know one,” he coldly tells Tony, stomping over to his still passed out self. He slides the scepter under his body and hopes it’s good enough.

 

He hates  _everything_ about this mission.

 

* * *

 

 _Was it something I said?_ Tony asks, puzzled and clearly hurt.  _You’ve been ignoring me since I made that ass joke. They’ve never bothered you before._

They hadn’t. Steve’s heard a lot worse from Bucky and the Howling Commandos.

 

“It wasn’t the joke,” Steve grudgingly admits as he peeks around a tall column. Rocket and Thor are still talking. He can’t move until they’ve gone into Jane’s room.

 

_What was it then?_

Steve turns around and almost has a heart attack when he realizes how  _close_ Tony is. Instinctively, he raises a hand to push Tony away, to create some space between them. His hand goes through Tony however, like he’s made of smoke. Really cold smoke. His hand feels numb, chilled down to the bone. Steve feels a violent urge to be sick.

 

 _He’s really dead_ , Steve thinks wildly, pressing his back hard against the stone. The engraved patterns pinch against his skin.  _Oh God, he’s really gone_.

 

 _Steve_? Tony asks worriedly.  _What’s going on? Are you okay?_

“You’re…” Steve shakes his head. “You’re…”

 

 _A ghost? Here? I thought we were over this?_ Tony's hands hover mid-air like he wants to touch Steve but isn't sure if he's got permission.

“Really gone,” Steve winds up croaking, not sure if he’ll ever forget the feeling of his right hand sinking through Tony’s body.

 

Tony freezes. They stare at each other for a long moment that’s only broken because one of the guards raises an alarm. They look around the column together and see Rocket being chased away by a group of guards.

 

 _That’s your cue_.

 

Steve hurries into Jane Fosters room. And feels his resolve wavering seconds before he lets the aether go back into the brunette.

 

What if he used the Reality stone to bring Tony back? The stones can do that, can't they?

 

 _It wouldn’t work_.

 

“Why not?”

 

_It wouldn’t be real._

* * *

 

_I know what you’re planning to do, you know._

Steve watches Rhodey and Nebula talk softly for a moment before Nebula walks into the dark temple. Rhodey's, "Okay then." floats over to where Steve's hiding. He looks down at Quill nearby and hopes Rhodey didn't knock him out  _too_ hard. He ignores Tony, focusing instead on sneaking closer to the door so he can see where the Power stone was.

 

 _I don’t think you’ll be able to live with yourself_.

 

He shoots Tony an angry look. There’s no way Tony knows what Steve’s planning to do once he’s put the stones back in their place.

 

“You don’t know what I’m going to do.”

 

Tony’s soft chuckles hover midair like a fog.  _Y_ _ou don’t realize how transparent you are sometimes, do you?_

* * *

 

“Once you return the stone, he shall disappear.”

 

Steve stands on the edge of a cliff, hand out stretched with the golden Soul stone in hand. And pauses. He looks back at the specter and asks, “What?”

 

Skull points over at Tony’s ghost. “It is the will of the Soul stone that keeps your friend by your side. Once you return the stone, he shall disappear as well.”

 

Steve looks over at Tony, who’s surprised blink turns into something more profound.  _Steve…_

No one’s more surprised than he is when he winds up falling on his butt, arms pinwheeling madly as his mind tries to process what just happened. Pain shoots up his spine as various pieces of stone dig into his back. The Soul stone clatters to a stop a couple of feet away from him. Steve blinks at the edge and wonders how and when he stepped away from it.

 

He looks to the side and stares in confusion at Tony, who is now kneeling by his side and looking at him with great pity.

 

 _You need to let me go, Steve_.

 

“No.” 

 

The word falls out before he can stop himself. Steve’s shocked by the tears that well in his eyes. He sees part of his pain reflected in Tony’s eyes when he pleads, “Please don’t ask me to do that.”

 

_You gotta, buddy. You gotta let me go. You gotta move on._

“But it’s so dark. And I’m so  _tired_ of losing the people around me. Why can’t I just…” Steve swallows past the lump in his throat. He loses the battle to keep his tears at bay. “Can’t I be selfish? Just this once? Can’t I make a choice that’s just for my happiness?”

 

Tony's hand hovers over his shoulder for a second before he takes it back, squeezing it tightly. Agony is written all over Tony's face; it hurts Tony that he can't comfort Steve through his touch.

 

_You can. Of course you can._

Steve squeezes his eyes shut, feeling a loud sob bubble up at Tony’s reassurance. It’s like a ton of bricks got lifted off his chest. He shivers when something cold touches his face. Opening his eyes, he sees Tony’s fingertips pressed against his face. 

 

_But would you be able to live with yourself knowing you made that choice?_

His stomach bottoms out at the question. He opens his mouth and closes it, not sure if he  _wants_ to answer that. Not sure if he’s ready. Tony watches him with a steady gaze. Tony knows the answer. Guilt has Steve’s insides twisting around like a can of worms.

 

He looks down at the ground and tells his stomach to calm down. It continues to roil and churn. Steve shakily pushes himself back up to his feet. He needs to finish the job. He’s got a promise to keep. He’d already broken his deal with Tony when Tony’d snapped his fingers.

 

 _Oh jeez,_ Tony sighs.  _I don’t blame you for that. Fuck. I was ready for it to be a one way trip. Why do you have to turn yourself into a guilt magnet?_

“Takes one to know one,” Steve murmurs as he bends down to pick the Soul stone up. He stops a foot away from the edge and turns to look at Tony. “You really don’t blame me?”

 

 _Resentment is corrosive, remember? Besides. It was worth it. It was the best way to go._ Tony moves ahead of him, peeking over the edge of the cliff.  _One hell of a fall._

“I’m sorry,” Steve blurts out. Tony glances over at him and all the apologies, all the explanations he’s been holding onto since that day in Siberia come pouring out. “I’m sorry I was a coward. I’m sorry I never told you about your parents. I’m sorry I didn’t even  _apologize_ properly about how I broke the team up. I’m sorry I didn’t call first. That I didn’t even  _congratulate_ you when you got engaged,  _or_ when you got married! I’m sorry I pulled you back into thi-”

 

Tony’s in front of him, his palm pressed against Steve’s mouth. His lips go numb and tingly immediately.  _Stop,_ Tony orders.  _I knew what I was doing when I drove over to help you. Don’t belittle me like that. Just promise me you won’t waste the chance you got._

He nods once, slowly. Tony nods in approval.  _Good._

Steve pulls his arm back, ready to chuck the stone as far as he can.

 

 _Remember me_ , Tony says softly right before Steve lets loose.

 

The stone flashes one, a golden wink, and Tony’s gone. Here one second, gone the other.

 

“Like I could ever forget you,” Steve whispers to himself.

 

* * *

 

Sneaking into SHIELD the second time around is a lot trickier than it was before but it all comes down to a matter of timing. As soon as his past self slips out of Peggy's office, Steve slips in and waits. She almost shoots him when he steps out of the shadows, making him yelp and duck behind her table. Thankfully all it takes is a few questions and right answers to convince her that he's really Steve Rogers.

 

"What are you even doing here?"

 

It's a long answer but Peggy listens attentively, dark eyes locked on him as he explains how he's from the future and there's timelines that need to be maintained. He holds up the briefcase to show her the last of the Infinity Stones. "I have to get this back in its place before anyone realizes it's gone."

 

 

Peggy nods and gets up on her feet. "Okay."

 

She sneaks him down to where most of the projects are kept in storage and helps him put the Tesseract back in its place. He worries about the questions that might be asked because the Tesseract is a stone now, not a blue cube. Not to mention the welding burns that Tony'd left before. But Peggy waves a hand. "Let me worry about that. You need to get off base before someone recognizes you."

 

Peggy slips a key and a piece of paper with an address written on it with instructions to go there and wait. Steve jogs all the way there, happiness thrumming in his veins at a job well done. His heart beats excitedly as he ponders his future with Peggy. It’s not an unusual thought. It’s something he’s thought about a hundred million times over.

 

But now he gets to have it.

 

He beams every step of the way, for once so eager and excited about what the future holds in store. There’s so many small dreams that he’ll be able to experience now. So many experiences and firsts that he’ll have with Peggy.

 

His good mood only lasts until he steps into her home and then realizes: he’s an intruder.

 

There’s evidence of a life in full swing in every corner. There's a jacket hanging off a hook next to a battered set of raincoats. There's muddied boots resting underneath. There's an umbrella tucked into the corner. There’s pictures of an idyllic family; a woman well loved by her husband; beloved children doted on by their mother. There’s birthday cards, certificates, old children’s drawings hung up on the walls. There's a worn afghan draped over the sofa.

 

This is a home that has no place for him.

 

This is a home he’ll be breaking if he chooses to stay.

 

Steve falls back on the sofa, struggling to breath the longer he stares at the framed picture of Peggy celebrating her 10th wedding anniversary with her husband.

 

 _What am I doing_? His mind spins wildly.  _I can’t do this to her_.

 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, trying to remember how to breath without it hurting. His lungs feel like they’re full of needles, poking holes with every short exhale. Steve holds his throbbing head in his hands and tries not to cry.

 

He looks up when someone calls his name. It’s Peggy. She’s standing the doorway, looking a little flushed and amazed that he’s here. Her expression morphs into shock in a heartbeat. As she steps into the living room, Steve wants to ask what is she doing here? Didn’t she say she’d come home once the day was over?

 

“I told them I wasn’t feeling too well,” she tells him as she sits down next to him. Oh. Had he said that aloud? “Which, wasn’t a complete lie. I  _was_ feeling a little like someone’d hit me over the head with a brick. Not every day you find out that…” She shakes her head before she presses her hand on top of his. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

 

Crying? Is he? Steve swipes his free hand across his cheek and is surprised to see the wetness there. Oh.

 

He looks back at her and asks, “Is it okay if I stay?”

 

Peggy blinks in surprise at him. “For how long?”

 

A warning bell goes off in his head but Steve ignores it.

 

“Forever. With you.”

 

More surprise from Peggy. It’s tinted with something painful that rattles the needles in his lungs and makes him feel like he’s bleeding on the inside. She takes her hand away and curls it up in her lap.

 

“Steve,” she asks, quietly but firmly. “Why did you come back here?”

 

“I told you. To return the Tesseract.”

 

“And?”

 

He closes his eyes in misery as he admits, “I wanted to stay here. With you.”

 

“Steve…”

 

“Can’t I?” He pleads, turning to look at her. His hand comes to rest on top of hers now. He stares at the side of her face, watching her stare at his hand. “Can’t I stay? We could be together Peggy! I love you. I love you  _so_ much. I want to be with you. For as long as you’ll have me.”

 

She closes her eyes. His hope flickers dangerously like a candle in a storm. Her dark eyes finally meet his. There’s something unreadable and scary in her gaze that make Steve want to pull away. The flame dims.

 

“Suppose I say yes. What will you do? Stop being Captain America?”

 

“Captain America’s somewhere in the Antarctic right now. I’d just be Steve Rogers.”

 

“And would Steve Rogers look the other way when he has the opportunity to help people?”

 

Steve opens his mouth to say no and abruptly stops with a frown. If he interferes with past events…won’t that be changing the future? Wouldn’t it be jeopardizing the very future Tony gave his life up for?

 

No…No! He hadn’t fought his doppelganger in 2012 and Loki hadn’t slipped their grasp then. Those were new events in the timeline. Neither of those events had changed the future. But then again… those were small ripples. This… this would be larger. He’d be staying here for…years.

 

Could he really not do anything for years? Could he keep the truth from Peggy bout how HYDRA had probably already infiltrated SHIELD? Could he stay at home and play family with Peggy when Bucky was probably out there being tortured by HYDRA? Could he live with himself knowing he could have stopped the Starks from dying but didn’t lift a finger?

 

Tony’s words come back to him in a soft whisper,   _But would you be able to live with yourself knowing you made that choice?_

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, head aching as he tries to tell himself that he could. He  _could_. Their future wouldn’t be messed up! It had already happened! This could be a  _new_ reality. One where he could be happy!

 

“More importantly,” Peggy asks in a quieter voice. “Would Steve Rogers be  _that_ selfish?”

 

“Why couldn’t I be?” It sounds so petulant. Whiny even. “After everything I’ve done… Why  _can’t_ I be selfish?”

 

Warm fingertips urge him to look up at into Peggy’s kind eyes. There’s a new kind of softness there he’s never seen before. It’s motherly and wise. It’s like a knife twisting in his gut.

 

“You can be. But I don’t think you’d be happy about it.”

 

“I could be,” Steve weakly argues.

 

Peggy smiles weakly at him. “I’m not sure _I_ would be. I love you Steve. A part of me always will. But…I moved on. I have a wonderful husband and two kids to think of. It would devastate them if I…”

 

Heart break. It’s not something Steve’s unfamiliar with but this is… a whole new level of it. For the first time in decades, Steve wants to curl into a ball and cry for his mother. He settles for burying his fingers in his hair and tugging. He bites into his bottom lip to keep his desperate pleas at bay. But they come out anyways.

 

Peggy cuts him off with a soft shush and a softer touch against his lips. “You can’t stay in the past nursing your regrets. That’s no way to live your life. It’d kill me to know that you didn’t let yourself do that because of me.”

 

Steve wants to cry out,  _why not? Why can’t I stay with you? What’s wrong with that if that’s what I choose?_

“Sometimes the best thing you can do, is start over. You have to look forward and not drown in your regrets. If you stay with the what ifs…” Peggy shakes her head. The sunlight catches the gray in her hair and makes it sparkle like gold. Iron man gold. “You’re not  _living_ then. And I want you to  _live_ , Steve.”

 

“But why can’t it be with  _you_?” Steve asks.  _Pleads_. 

 

Peggy’s smile is pained, made of jagged edges that cut at Steve’s soul and make him bleed. “Some things… just aren’t meant to be.”

 

“But I love you.”

 

“And I you,” Peggy cups his cheek and blinks the wetness in her eyes away. “But I don’t think we love each other now the way we used to back then. We’re not the same people we were.”

 

“We could try. We could  _try_ , Peggy.”

 

“I couldn’t do that to Daniel or the girls,” Peggy tells him. She takes her hand away, leaving Steve bereft. He stares at her back as she walks over to the mantle and picks up a picture; a family portrait. Envy floods him with a suddenness that threats to choke him.

 

Why can everyone else have a family and not him? Why can they achieve happiness and not him?  ~~Is it him? Is there something wrong with him?~~

The silence between them is stifling.

 

“Isn’t there someone from the future?” Peggy finally asks, delicate hands placing the picture back in it’s place. “Someone you want to spend your life with? Some people who made it good? Made it a place worth staying in?”

 

Steve thinks briefly of Sharon and feels a wild laugh knock against the back of his teeth. Fuck. If he’d stayed with Peggy, would he have become Sharon’s  _uncle_? God, that’s all kinds of fucked up isn’t it? Time travel is so fucking wild.

 

He thinks of Natasha, who is gone, gone, never coming back. He’ll never hear her sharp jokes again. Enjoy her small acts of kindness. Thinks of Tony, who was like a lighthouse to so many of them. Tony who was the future incarnate and gave it up to save them.

 

Thinks of Sam and Bucky, Clint and Thor, Scott and T’challa, Wanda. His friends…his  _team_. He didn’t even tell them that he’s leaving…Would they feel betrayed? Probably...But they wouldn't understand why Steve would choose this. They just wouldn't. 

 

But they'd support him regardless. They'd help. They'd be there for him and help him get back up on his feet again. 

 

“You already have a family Steve,” Peggy’s soft voice interrupts. “Why would you give them up?”

 

Why would he indeed?

 

 _You’re a stubborn asshole who never knows when to quit fighting,_ he hears Tony's memory whispering to him.  _You'd probably chew your own arm off if you had to sit on the sidelines and couldn't help people. You're the most stubborn guy I know besides me._ _What’s that thing you like to say all the time?_

_“_ I could do this all day,” Steve whispers to himself before huffing out a small laugh. He shoots Peggy a weary smile. “I’d be an idiot to give up my new family, huh?”

 

“Yes, yes you would. But you always did have  _such_ a flair for the dramatic. You _would_ think that you only had one shot at love.”

 

Steve’s next laugh is warmer and from the pit of his stomach. It hurts, Peggy’s refusal. But he also understands. He holds his hands out and asks, “Can I get that dance at least?”

 

Peggy’s hand is soft and warm in his palm. “It would be my pleasure.”

 

* * *

 

“This’ll be your new office,” Sharon tells him as she throws open the door. “It’s not much but you said you didn’t want anything fancy.”

 

Steve nods, glancing around the small room. It’s barely big enough to hold a table and three chairs but he’ll make do. It’s supposed to be a place of work and nothing more. Tony’d scoff at it probably.

 

“Someone’ll come by and make sure there’s a proper name plaque by the door. You  _sure_ you don’t want Director on it?”

 

“Commander Steve is just fine,” Steve tells her as he places a small cardboard box on the table.

 

He flips the top off and begins to take out things out to decorate his new office. There’s a picture of the old Avengers, the original six. A picture of the new team with Sam in the middle holding his Captain America shield up with the biggest of grins. There’s a child’s drawing of Captain America and Ironman with a large M.S. in the corner (The S is scrawled backwards). And finally, there’s a picture of Peggy. 

 

On the desk, he places the small succulent and a mug in the shape of Iron Man's helmet. Steve drops a few pens into it before nodding in satisfaction. As he settles down in his seat, he asks, “What’s our first job Agent 13?”

 

She grins as she holds out a Starkpad. “You’re gonna like this…”

 

With a flicker, the Starkpad comes to life. Tinted in aqua, Tony's AI grins at him. "You bet your ass you are."

 

Steve can't help but grin despite himself, eager in many ways about what lies in store in his future.


End file.
